There’s been a lot of interesting news coming out of the 4 major sports this week, and yes, I am counting the National Hockey League as a major sport. The news has come so fast and furious that I haven’t had time to fully report each story with the level of attention it deserves. As a public service, I give you a few of the news snippets as only I can report:
Hair Today in DC, Gone Tomorrow
Bryce Harper officially filed a grievance today with Major League Baseball in an effort to void the trade that is sending Miami Marlins slugger Giancarlo Stanton to the New York Yankees. Harper is arguing that the deal be voided on the grounds that the trade has impacted his marketability in upcoming free agency. It is widely believed that the Yankees can no longer be a bidder for his services now that they are assuming the largest contract in baseball history, Stanton’s $325 million deal. Harper becomes a free agent at the end of the 2018 season, and the addition of Stanton to the Yankee roster leaves little room for what Harper had hoped to be a $400 million New York pay day.
“If the Yankees can’t afford me, it’s not fair,” said the perfectly coiffed Harper. “The dollars now going to Stanton were supposed to be my dollars. I have the perfect hair for New York. I shouldn’t be forced to trim my salary demands.”
Major League Baseball had no comment on the pending grievance, however in a surprise move, the Boston Red Sox ownership was reportedly taking the Yankees’ side in the disagreement to protect the “integrity of the game”.
In an unrelated move, the Boston Red Sox announced that they have upgraded all of their in-locker room hair dryers to state-of- the-art Joe Pepitone models designed to produce perfect player hair before and after all home games.
When asked if the new blow dryers were a shamelessly transparent play for Harper’s attention, owner John Henry said, “No. Why do you think that? If he wants to play hair…here, that’s his business and we will not discuss it until the end of the next Sassoon…season.”
Banished to the Kids’ Table
The Manning family announced this week that Eli Manning, younger brother of Peyton Manning, had been benched for the upcoming Christmas family reunion meal at the Manning household. After a series of mistakes during the last few family events, the Mannings determined that the family’s best chance for a winning holiday meal is with Eli eating alone in the kitchen. The Mannings are hoping to find someone who can successfully pass the mashed potatoes during the next draft in April.
Older brother and professional spokesmodel Peyton Manning explained the family decision.
“I asked Eli to throw me a biscuit last Thanksgiving and he hit our cousin in the head. He can try to blame our poor cousin for his butter fingers but let’s face it. That biscuit was a dying quail, no air under it whatsoever. You can’t depend on extended family catching biscuits throws like that on their heads every Christmas.”
“He should have left the dinner table with dignity when he had the chance over Thanksgiving, like I did last year. First time one of my biscuits sailed over Uncle Jimmy’s head, I called it quits.”
Russian to Judgment
The Trump administration is calling for an investigation into rumors that local NHL star Alex Ovechkin is a Russian and that he is colluding with a foreign power by being a Russian.
“The lack of scrutiny in the D.C. media of his background is troubling,” said spokesperson Sarah Huckabee-Slanders. “Why is the mainstream media obsessed with the false ‘Trump collusion’ story when the Great 8 has been here in Washington for 10 seasons, spreading his Russian-ness and using his accent without repercussions? That’s the real story and the MSM refuses to report it.”
“Rockin’ the Red should be ‘rockin’ the red, white and blue if he was a true patriot. Look at Ovechkin, and pay no attention to what we’re doing, people!”
When various reporters pointed out that Ovechkin is a well-known Russian, has never hid his nationality, has participated in the Olympics as a Russian athlete and speaks Russian fluently and regularly, Huckabee-Slanders replied, “Then why hasn’t he been convicted of being Russian? I guess this is more evidence of the rigged system put in place by the Hillary Clinton administration. Lock him up, I say.”
When Ovechkin was reached for comment in his office at the top of the left circle, he said, “This is true and outrageous and I will discuss with Donald at the next secret meeting with the comrades.”
As the Sports Turn*
NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt Jr. has decided to make a comeback, but not as a race car driver. Earnhardt, 43, has decided to become a professional basketball player.
“I think I have something left in the tank,” Earnhardt bragged. “Wait until they see me drive to the basket. It’s like I’m shot out of a cannon. I’ll be known as Diesel Dale.”
When asked for comment, current NBA superstar Lebron James laughed.
“I’ve seen his drive, man. I ain’t scared. He’s so predictable anyone could defend him. He can’t go right. Always goes left. Left, left, left.”
* Editor’s Note: The 4th major sport is basketball, not NASCAR. I drive a car. It’s not a sport, regardless of how skillful my turns are.
