Using the now familiar hashtag of #MeToo, Mother Nature today joined the growing list of women alleging a long history of harassment and abuse by Mankind. During an emotional news conference, Mother Nature cried a flood of tears while detailing graphic and disturbing accusations against Mankind that span centuries.
Mother Nature broke her silence in dramatic fashion with her opening statement of the news conference.
Warning: Parts of next section may be too graphic for future generations
“He fracked me”, she whispered and she trembled like an earthquake on the Nebraska plains as the words came forward. According to her, Mankind often approached her with “smoke on his breath” threatening to choke her while she struggled to breathe.
“Mankind has not treated me with respect for centuries and now my time has come to fight back,” she stormed.
Looking directly into the cameras, she bellowed, “You thought you could lay your pipes into me without consequences. You promised if you lay your pipe that you wouldn’t spill. Mankind – you sir, are a liar.”
She admitted that while she never uttered the words “no”, she never provided consent either. In fact, Mother Nature argued that her actions and responses to his behavior would have made it clear to any reasonable person that Mankind’s advances were unwelcomed.
“I raised the temperature of the oceans, and still he persisted. I unleashed thunderous hurricanes and caused massive droughts, and still he persisted. I’ve melted the ice caps and still he persisted.
“Mankind may think that he has overpowered me, but I am here today to declare that I will not be ignored.”
Mother Nature’s accusations did not go unchallenged as representatives of the oil, gas and coal industries held a counter-news conference from their offices in the West Wing of the White House. They cast doubt on Mother Nature’s claims of abuse.
“It’s ironic that Ms. Nature makes these claims once Donald Trump is President. Anyone who believes that her accusations are not politically motivated is fooling themselves,” said spokesperson Sarah Palin, expert in social media and senior image consultant to the stars. “She never complained while we drilled, baby, drilled and lowered gas prices.”
Reporters pointed out that the current administration had taken specific actions to make systemic abuse of Mother Nature more likely, and cited:
- The EPA plans to withdraw the Clean Power Plan, the lynchpin of the Obama Administration’s effort to combat climate change;
- The administration has suspended a study of health risks to residents who live near mountaintop removal mine sites in the Appalachian Mountains;
- President Trump has signed an executive order revoking federal flood-risk standards that incorporated rising sea levels predicted by climate science;
- Over the first 6 months of the current administration, the EPA has filed fewer lawsuits against companies for breaking pollution control laws than the agency had during the opening months of the Clinton, George W. Bush, and Obama administrations.
Palin said that a friend told her that the factual claims of the reporters were fake.
“That’s not what I’m hearing. Next question.”
Then Mother Nature announced the blockbuster news that Matt Lauer once in his early 20s rolled down one of her hills and played in her mud after an evening of recreational drug use while a taping a segment of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” for The Today Show.
“He’s an animal. And he never apologized or showed remorse. Where in the world was Matt? Playing in my fields, that’s where.”
The administration has called for Matt Lauer to be locked up as the best way to protect Mother Nature into the future.
“If the tree huggers really loved Mother Nature, they’d arrest and convict Matt Lauer,” argued Ms. Palin.
The news conference was suspended at this point because of a dangerous storm headed towards Washington, but administration officials promised to defend Mankind’s actions after the storm damage had been assessed and clean-up efforts were underway.