Miles to Go Before I Sleep

Originally drafted on Thursday, Dec. 14^th

There have been particular times in my life when I can vividly remember facing my own mortality. Today was one of those times.

There was that icy bridge in December 1995 in Nashville. I was in town for business and after a late night at work, a co-worker was following me back to our hotel. The driving was treacherous as a light sleet had begun to coat the roads with a thin layer of black ice. You know those signs that say “Bridge freezes before road surface”? That’s true and we found out the hard way. As we were near the top of a high overpass, from my rearview mirror I saw Brian O.’s (last name withheld since I can’t spell it anymore) headlights shake side to side and ram into the barrier wall of the bridge. Not good.

Because of the slippery conditions, I couldn’t stop immediately. I called upon all my New Jersey driving skills and eased to a stop on the other side of the overpass, got out of the car and started to jog gently back up the bridge towards my friend. I immediately realized that this was a bad decision as a parade of cars slide past me, no control over their speed or direction coming downhill. It was dark, I was on foot and 2-ton vehicles were hurdling towards me. Not ideal.

Then I saw a new set of headlights cresting at the top of the hill. Uh oh. An 18-wheeler was attempting the bobsled run and he was coming my way. As he came into full view on that dark night on the bridge, I realized that I had only 2 choices. I could hold on tightly to the barrier wall while he slid into me, crushing me like a Flat Stanley, or I could jump the barrier wall and land somewhere on the road 40+ feet below. I will never forget the thought that went through my head as I pondered my Sophie’s choice – “So this is where it ends? A bridge in Nashville, TN?”

Spoiler alert, but as you may already know, the truck slid past me and I was not forced to make that choice. As Getty Lee once sang, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” I froze in place with both hands on the barrier wall, ready to hurdle if it came to that. The dread wasn’t dying; the real dread was “What if I jump and survive?” That would hurt.

Another brush with mortality was not quite as dramatic. Acknowledging that I needed glasses in my mid-40s was another moment brought me face to face with the prospect of my crumbling internal infrastructure. When the doctor told me what I had long suspected, that my arms would never grow long enough to hold the little labels far enough away so that the words would come into focus again, I knew the end was near. I would wear glasses forever from that day forward.

The third memory was a fateful New Year’s Eve morning 2 years ago when I had to decide whether or not to wake my spouse from a deep sleep to whisper, “No big deal, but could you drive me to the hospital right now?”, or risk the family finding me splayed out on the kitchen floor before their breakfast. I woke her up. Thankfully it was just a scary false alarm (HIPAA restrictions do not allow me to provide more details at this time unless I sign my own waiver, but I’m ok).

Today was another time I will remember. I attended the funeral of a friend this morning, beloved bride of one of my most crazy and most loyal friends. She was 52 years young. Her untimely passing brought with it an odd sense of inevitability for me. If it can happen to her, it can (and will) happen to me.

The celebrant asked what I imagine we were all thinking. Why? Why was she gone so soon? His answer was simple and comforting. He told us that the work she was born to do was finished. She had completed exactly what she was supposed to do during her time. That was comforting, especially since I feel like I am always working. If I’m never done all those emails in my in-box, I’ll make it a long way.

Unless it doesn’t really work like that. I might have misunderstood.

So I hope that I still have unfinished business and that I still have a ton of work to do. It certainly feels that way. I hope all of you reading this today aren’t finished yet either, not for a long, long, long time.

 

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Minor Major Sports Shorts

There’s been a lot of interesting news coming out of the 4 major sports this week, and yes, I am counting the National Hockey League as a major sport. The news has come so fast and furious that I haven’t had time to fully report each story with the level of attention it deserves. As a public service, I give you a few of the news snippets as only I can report:

Hair Today in DC, Gone Tomorrow

Bryce Harper officially filed a grievance today with Major League Baseball in an effort to void the trade that is sending Miami Marlins slugger Giancarlo Stanton to the New York Yankees. Harper is arguing that the deal be voided on the grounds that the trade has impacted his marketability in upcoming free agency. It is widely believed that the Yankees can no longer be a bidder for his services now that they are assuming the largest contract in baseball history, Stanton’s $325 million deal. Harper becomes a free agent at the end of the 2018 season, and the addition of Stanton to the Yankee roster leaves little room for what Harper had hoped to be a $400 million New York pay day.

“If the Yankees can’t afford me, it’s not fair,” said the perfectly coiffed Harper. “The dollars now going to Stanton were supposed to be my dollars. I have the perfect hair for New York. I shouldn’t be forced to trim my salary demands.”

Major League Baseball had no comment on the pending grievance, however in a surprise move, the Boston Red Sox ownership was reportedly taking the Yankees’ side in the disagreement to protect the “integrity of the game”.

In an unrelated move, the Boston Red Sox announced that they have upgraded all of their in-locker room hair dryers to state-of- the-art Joe Pepitone models designed to produce perfect player hair before and after all home games.

When asked if the new blow dryers were a shamelessly transparent play for Harper’s attention, owner John Henry said, “No. Why do you think that? If he wants to play hair…here, that’s his business and we will not discuss it until the end of the next Sassoon…season.”

Banished to the Kids’ Table

The Manning family announced this week that Eli Manning, younger brother of Peyton Manning, had been benched for the upcoming Christmas family reunion meal at the Manning household. After a series of mistakes during the last few family events, the Mannings determined that the family’s best chance for a winning holiday meal is with Eli eating alone in the kitchen. The Mannings are hoping to find someone who can successfully pass the mashed potatoes during the next draft in April.

Older brother and professional spokesmodel Peyton Manning explained the family decision.

“I asked Eli to throw me a biscuit last Thanksgiving and he hit our cousin in the head. He can try to blame our poor cousin for his butter fingers but let’s face it. That biscuit was a dying quail, no air under it whatsoever. You can’t depend on extended family catching biscuits throws like that on their heads every Christmas.”

“He should have left the dinner table with dignity when he had the chance over Thanksgiving, like I did last year. First time one of my biscuits sailed over Uncle Jimmy’s head, I called it quits.”

Russian to Judgment

The Trump administration is calling for an investigation into rumors that local NHL star Alex Ovechkin is a Russian and that he is colluding with a foreign power by being a Russian.

“The lack of scrutiny in the D.C. media of his background is troubling,” said spokesperson Sarah Huckabee-Slanders. “Why is the mainstream media obsessed with the false ‘Trump collusion’ story when the Great 8 has been here in Washington for 10 seasons, spreading his Russian-ness and using his accent without repercussions? That’s the real story and the MSM refuses to report it.”

“Rockin’ the Red should be ‘rockin’ the red, white and blue if he was a true patriot. Look at Ovechkin, and pay no attention to what we’re doing, people!”

When various reporters pointed out that Ovechkin is a well-known Russian, has never hid his nationality, has participated in the Olympics as a Russian athlete and speaks Russian fluently and regularly, Huckabee-Slanders replied, “Then why hasn’t he been convicted of being Russian? I guess this is more evidence of the rigged system put in place by the Hillary Clinton administration. Lock him up, I say.”

When Ovechkin was reached for comment in his office at the top of the left circle, he said, “This is true and outrageous and I will discuss with Donald at the next secret meeting with the comrades.”

As the Sports Turn*

NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt Jr. has decided to make a comeback, but not as a race car driver. Earnhardt, 43, has decided to become a professional basketball player.

“I think I have something left in the tank,” Earnhardt bragged. “Wait until they see me drive to the basket. It’s like I’m shot out of a cannon. I’ll be known as Diesel Dale.”

When asked for comment, current NBA superstar Lebron James laughed.

“I’ve seen his drive, man. I ain’t scared. He’s so predictable anyone could defend him. He can’t go right. Always goes left. Left, left, left.”

* Editor’s Note: The 4th major sport is basketball, not NASCAR. I drive a car. It’s not a sport, regardless of how skillful my turns are.

Mother Nature Speaks Out: #MeToo

Using the now familiar hashtag of #MeToo, Mother Nature today joined the growing list of women alleging a long history of harassment and abuse by Mankind. During an emotional news conference, Mother Nature cried a flood of tears while detailing graphic and disturbing accusations against Mankind that span centuries.

Mother Nature broke her silence in dramatic fashion with her opening statement of the news conference.

Warning: Parts of next section may be too graphic for future generations

“He fracked me”, she whispered and she trembled like an earthquake on the Nebraska plains as the words came forward. According to her, Mankind often approached her with “smoke on his breath” threatening to choke her while she struggled to breathe.

“Mankind has not treated me with respect for centuries and now my time has come to fight back,” she stormed.

Looking directly into the cameras, she bellowed, “You thought you could lay your pipes into me without consequences. You promised if you lay your pipe that you wouldn’t spill. Mankind – you sir, are a liar.”

She admitted that while she never uttered the words “no”, she never provided consent either. In fact, Mother Nature argued that her actions and responses to his behavior would have made it clear to any reasonable person that Mankind’s advances were unwelcomed.

“I raised the temperature of the oceans, and still he persisted. I unleashed thunderous hurricanes and caused massive droughts, and still he persisted. I’ve melted the ice caps and still he persisted.

“Mankind may think that he has overpowered me, but I am here today to declare that I will not be ignored.”

Mother Nature’s accusations did not go unchallenged as representatives of the oil, gas and coal industries held a counter-news conference from their offices in the West Wing of the White House. They cast doubt on Mother Nature’s claims of abuse.

“It’s ironic that Ms. Nature makes these claims once Donald Trump is President. Anyone who believes that her accusations are not politically motivated is fooling themselves,” said spokesperson Sarah Palin, expert in social media and senior image consultant to the stars. “She never complained while we drilled, baby, drilled and lowered gas prices.”

Reporters pointed out that the current administration had taken specific actions to make systemic abuse of Mother Nature more likely, and cited:

• The EPA plans to withdraw the Clean Power Plan, the lynchpin of the Obama Administration’s effort to combat climate change;
• The administration has suspended a study of health risks to residents who live near mountaintop removal mine sites in the Appalachian Mountains;
• President Trump has signed an executive order revoking federal flood-risk standards that incorporated rising sea levels predicted by climate science;
• Over the first 6 months of the current administration, the EPA has filed fewer lawsuits against companies for breaking pollution control laws than the agency had during the opening months of the Clinton, George W. Bush, and Obama administrations.

Palin said that a friend told her that the factual claims of the reporters were fake.

“That’s not what I’m hearing. Next question.”

Then Mother Nature announced the blockbuster news that Matt Lauer once in his early 20s rolled down one of her hills and played in her mud after an evening of recreational drug use while a taping a segment of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” for The Today Show.

“He’s an animal. And he never apologized or showed remorse. Where in the world was Matt? Playing in my fields, that’s where.”

The administration has called for Matt Lauer to be locked up as the best way to protect Mother Nature into the future.

“If the tree huggers really loved Mother Nature, they’d arrest and convict Matt Lauer,” argued Ms. Palin.

The news conference was suspended at this point because of a dangerous storm headed towards Washington, but administration officials promised to defend Mankind’s actions after the storm damage had been assessed and clean-up efforts were underway.

 

 

The Search for Meaning………

Looking longingly at my handheld device, I wait patiently. But I am losing patience. All I can see are the little flashing dots on the left side of my iMessage screen. Sadly, as Phil Collins once sang, “There’s no reply at all; no reply at all.” I am left with my imagination. I blame the WiFi but it could be something more sinister.

After a few seconds, although it seems longer, a text response may appear. Or not. What if the respondent changed their mind and stopped responding to choose different words? I might have been watching premature dots, a complete waste of time. So I have to start making assumptions. “What are they thinking now? What was the original thought that was changed? WHY IS THIS TAKING SO DAMN LONG???” Dot dot dot. Maybe they are mad at me.

Unless Apple is developing the technological equivalent of the Vulcan mind meld, this is the world in which I must survive. We all live together in Dot Interpretation and Dot Misinterpretation Land, a daily Rorschach test that I am failing. “Look into the dots and tell me what you see or imagine you may read.” If I stare at the dots more deeply, will the message appear faster, much like hitting the elevator button helps the elevator arrive faster (this works, by the way – ask any 5 year old)? How does the waiting make you feel?

Rational people can exercise patience and delay gratification the literal seconds that it usually takes for the written response to appear and answer whatever the question may be, from the mundane “What’s for dinner?’ to the intense “Did you pick up dinner?” Finally words to read! Irrational dot analysis and the accompanying mental psychosis can stop. I have words in a common language to help explain, give context, and establish connection with the sender. I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you, mobile service provider.

And now that I have words, I enter Phase II: What do the words really mean? I receive no facial expressions, tonal changes in voice, no body language clues. Ugh. Maybe I’ll stick with reading the proverbial dot tea leaves and create my own answers to my own texted questions. It would save time. And I could handle my own dinner, like a grown up. Whatever, I’ll just call and ask. Try it sometime dot dot dot.

The Truth Hurts…Literally

Finally somebody said it. Children are lazy and the most loving act that adults can take is to allow them to fend for themselves in the world of health care as soon as possible. What a relief to have the truth out there for all to hear.

It took the courage of Utah Senator Orrin Hatch to state what we have all been thinking. Yesterday on the Senate floor during a debate on the recently passed tax bill, the discussion turned to the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP), the program whose finding expired on October 1^st with no action to restore the fund taken thus far. Mr. Honesty, Sen. Hatch, said this:

“I have a rough time wanting to spend billions and billions and trillions of dollars to help people who won’t help themselves – won’t lift a finger – and expect the federal government to do everything.

“Unfortunately the liberal philosophy has created millions of people that way, who believe everything they ever are or hope to be depends upon the federal government rather than the opportunities that this great country grants them. And I’ve got to say, I think it’s pretty hard to argue against these comments.”

This was Hatch’s Jerry Maguire moment of perfect clarity. Kids demanding wellness visit and antibiotics at reasonable rates are just more examples of the under-10 crowd entitlement mentality. For generations, our youth have demanded candy from adults every October and gift-wrapped fun every December, and in exchange for what? Backtalk, messy rooms and whining – oh, the whining. Now, besides needing a trophy for every time they put on a sports uniform, they want health insurance.

Hey kids, instead of surfing the Web for Candy Crush Part IV: The Final Sugar Coma, try reading WebMD and fixing your own snotty nose or diagnosing your own sharp pain in your lower abdomen that’s been bothering you for a week now. That’s called self-reliance and rugged individualism, freeloaders.

Maybe kids will think twice before swallowing that Lincoln penny if they know that the uninsured out of pocket cost for an emergency room visit could run over $1,000. Sure it’s a tough lesson but since when are tough lessons the wrong lessons?

We were warned as a nation as far back as the 1920s. If we give these non-productive little buggers, society’s takers, the right to safe working conditions, they’d come back to the trough for more giveaways. You show me where small children have the right to non-exploitation in the Constitution and I’ll show you free health care for the little ankle-biters.

So suck it up, buttercups. Real children pull themselves up by the bootstraps and rub some dirt on it when they are sick, injured, or in need of maintenance medication for a chronic condition. And go empty the dishwasher. It builds character.

Finally someone said it, and we should NEVER forget who did – Republican Senator Orrin Hatch.

 

Run for Your Life!

A man stopped his car alongside me this morning while I was running through my neighborhood. This was unsettling to me and I am trying to come to grips with why.

To set the stage, I went out around 10:45 this morning for a 3.3 mile jog (for those like me who keep score). It was cold and I was wearing my bright blue Northface windbreaker. I love this jacket. I bought it 2 years ago after seeing it in the store, obsessing about it for several days, and then returning with credit card in hand. The color was unique, the styling and size perfect, the brand identity empowering, the price right.  It was one of those purchases you have to make, lest your dreams be haunted with retail regret. You know what I’m talking about, America.

About mile post 2.5, I’m in the zone. My mind is clear and the end of my run is in sight. At this point of my oneness with the universe, I can sense something, something coming up beside me. My spider-sense tingled. I turned to my left and a black Porsche Cayenne is slowly creeping up. The driver rolls down his window and motions me closer. I feel a twinge of stranger danger nerves, but remember that I’m an adult. I am allowed to speak to strangers.  So I slow to a stop so that I may help a poor stranger in need of directions.

He didn’t need directions. He asked about my Northface jacket. Where did I get it? How could he get one? Does it have a lining? These are odd questions but instinctively I answered his seemingly harmless inquiries when asked. It’s a reflex to try and be helpful. I think everyone I know would have done the same.

He accepts my answers and does a quick U-turn, fast enough to generate a squeal of tires as he heads back to the main road. Returning to my running pace, I begin to process the encounter.

First of all, who stops someone on a morning jog to discuss his fashion outerwear? It’s incredibly bad form to stop someone in mid-exercise, especially someone you’ve never met. His behavior was rude and inconsiderate.

Secondly, he had to have been following me. That’s potentially scary. After we spoke, he had to turn around to go back in the direction he was headed. How long was he following me? Remember, I was in the zone and not fully aware of the surroundings. I can’t say that I am a fan of being followed by strangers while out on the streets. Would you be?

Now here is the part that has unsettled me most. My untrained cultural eye placed him between Pakistani and Indian descent. Did this make me more suspicious of his motives? Had the driver looked like Steve Martin in Father of the Bride (Parts I and II), would I have experienced the exact same level of suspicion? If you want to know the most unsettling part of the story for me, it’s that I believe if it had been the Steve Martin type, I wouldn’t have thought twice about the encounter. And that bothers me.

When the President of the United States continues to reinforce the messages of fear of Middle Eastern people, and the news and other mass media (think every movie about bad guys since 2001) continue to amplify these messages, it becomes difficult to block them out completely. I think I’m enlightened, but incidents and feelings like this make me question how far I’ve evolved and how much further I may have to go.

This is how racism works. External messages, often subtle, become so ingrained that we cannot separate reality (he shouldn’t have stopped a runner mid-exercise) from fantasy (what was his real motive in stopping me? He must be dangerous). So am I a victim now of all these messages? I hope not but today I am unsettled.

Am I supposed to be talking about this?

H2 Haiku

Water can be both destructive to life and a requirement for life. I have a complicated love/hate relationship with water.

It’s confusing how we discuss water. Being in “hot water” is typically a bad thing. If you’re in hot water, you did something wrong and you are going to pay. However, if you are stressed, what’s more relaxing and restorative than sitting in hot water, especially swirling bubbly hot water? Hot water for dishes kills those bad germs that can harm us; if your spouse screams, “My water broke!”, the first move is to boil some hot water, for soup I guess.

Cold water can be a bit schizophrenic too. Taking a cold shower can be bracing and make you feel more alive. Cold water didn’t help Jack and Rose during their ill-fated trans-Atlantic maiden voyage. Want to tell someone their idea stinks? Throw cold water on it. Want to have some fun and play some hockey like the author? You’ll need a whole sheet of really really cold water.

People cannot live without water**. Too much water and we die. Rain water feeds the Earth and that’s good. A flood once destroyed the Earth – not good.

Water isn’t even convinced what it wants to be. Is it a solid, a liquid or a gas? It changes to match its environment, a pretty valuable skill. Perfect for all occasions.

Here’s another fun fact – people are 60% water. Since people are mostly water, maybe that explains why they are also tough for me to understand. People cry tears of sadness and tears of joy. Eye water, make up your mind – good sign or a bad sign?

My complicated relationship with water depends on my point of view at a moment in time. I understand that water, in and of itself, is neither good nor bad. Maybe that’s true of people too. Now if I could only figure out why they’re crying and what that salty discharge means…

 

** – People cannot live without water is settled science, unless the EPA under this administration finds one scientist working for the Dry Earth Society to question this fact. If this occurs, the scientist is booked on Fox and Friends to discuss his findings from a non-peer reviewed study and our President retweets this interview to his millions of followers saying that he “heard some people say” that water isn’t required for life, and water conservation efforts left over from the Obama administration are rescinded so that struggling businesses are freed from the onerous regulations that stops companies from increasing profits by polluting of our ground water. But I digress.