In less than 24 hours after the First Family sat down to their first Thanksgiving meal together, administration losers and unpatriotic closet-Clinton sympathizers in Trump’s inner circle are leaking details of the dinner. Before Net Neutrality settles into the dustbin of history and you can no longer have fair and balanced access to my material, I share with my loyal readers the unfiltered “fact” news straight from my sources. Believe me, you can trust them. They told me so.
The first leak was Trump’s private note written this week to the Secretary of Social Planning for the Mar-A-Lago Resort and Tax Haven:
Thanksgiving this year falls on a Thursday so please tell all the workers. I have a few comments on our guest list so pay attention:
- Attorney General Jeff Sessions has recused himself from attending. I don’t care. He wouldn’t have remembered anything about the dinner anyway.
- Be sure the meal reflects the new spelling as mandated by Secretary DeVos and the Department of Education. The word is spelled is ‘potatoe’ now.
- I want Vice President Mike Pence seated between UN Secretary Nikki Haley and Linda McMahon, head of the Small Business Administration. I like watching him squirm and sweat a little.
- Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price will join us, so take down the “Employees Must Wash Hands” signs in the bathrooms and be sure no one in the kitchen wears those stifling rubber gloves. Symbols of over-regulation make him sick.
- The cleaning crew will not be required to stay. Press Secretary Huckabee-Sanders and Kellyanne Conway will be in charge of cleaning up anything the First Family spills.
- Instruct the staff to use little words if speaking with Secretary of Energy Rick Perry. Don’t be fooled by the glasses. I think he might have stood too close to the microwave as a kid, if you know what I mean.
- Don Jr. and Jared Kushner should be seated at the kid’s table. Both have a nasty habit of repeating anything they hear the adults in the room say. Don can sit on my left.
- Keep Ben Carson away from me. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me uncomfortable.
- Be prepared that Secretary Rex Tillerson won’t like anything you give him, but don’t worry. From my experience with Rex, he’ll shut up and eat it anyway.
- I have reviewed your budget and the expenses for the dinner. Go ahead and spend all the money you want. We’ll figure out how al of this gets paid for in 2026.
My sources also confirmed spicy details of the final menu. The word is that the President conducted the extreme vetting personally and banned any imports from the dinner table…and the dinner guest list:
- Iceberg Lettuce Salad, swimming in Russian Dressing;
- Cage-free Trophy Elephant Meat Platter;
- American Wild Turkey, featuring all 8 birds Obama had previously pardoned. Each turkey berated for 5 hours and then generously stuffed with pork;
- South Dakota Corn on the Cob, smothered in Canadian Crude Oil marinade;
- Betsy’s Potatoes;
- Brussel Sprouts, the variety most hated by George H. W. Bush.
The dessert menu had no surprises:
- Let Them Eat Cake Cake – the top 1% is covered in delicious white icing; the rest of the cake is darker, less appetizing and disposable. Guests are encouraged to only focus on the icing;
So thank you, White House leaker, for this valuable information. Hopefully the Christmas menu will include large portions of crow for all the guests to eat. That’s what they truly deserve.