It is almost a New Year and that means hope springs eternal in the world of partisan politics. Unfortunately the odds of three wise men showing up in the halls of Congress this month are slim to none. The only ones carrying gifts in DC this time of year are the lobbyists and their Messiah is wrapping in swaddling $20 bills, unmarked and non-sequential.
So what will happen in 2014? No one really knows. In December 2012, who could have predicted that Marco Rubio would be so thirsty and that the mayor of Toronto would make former DC Mayor Marion Barry look like an amateur? Yet that won’t stop everyone from trying to predict future events, a la Jeane Dixon (kids, look it up).
Today, the Political Junkie yields to the Political Prognosticator for 2014:
January: House leadership declares that immigration reform will be the number one priority for the year. Stamping out “waste, fraud and abuse” in federal programs ranks second.
February: Sochi Olympics take place in Russia. Under international pressure, Vladimir Putin agrees to allow openly gay athletes to compete but demands in exchange that the IOC ban the men’s figure skating competition.
March: A write-in campaign to encourage Pope Benedict to come out of retirement and replace Pope Francis gains momentum. The tipping point comes this month when Pope Francis adds the phrase “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” after denouncing homosexuality in his latest encyclical.
April: The Museum of the Washington Shutdown opens on the National Mall, featuring exhibits honoring the Stephen Strasburg shutdown, the RGIII shutdown, and various road closures throughout DC history. The wing devoted to federal government shutdowns is on hold, pending appropriations that were denied as part of the compromise that ended the last shutdown.
May: Donald Trump announces his latest TV enterprise, The Political Celebrity Apprentice, as a summer replacement series. The Donald promises that the fireworks will fly in Episode One when teams are asked to balance a budget. The inaugural installment will feature Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, witch-turned Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell, Lyndon LaRouche, Alec Baldwin and Gary Busey. The winning team will donate their prize money to their favorite K Street charity.
June: The Supreme Court issues its’ long anticipated ruling on the Obamacare mandate that employer sponsored health plans offer contraceptive coverage even when the company objects on religious grounds. In the 5-4 decision, Chief Roberts sides with Justices Thomas, Scalia, and Alito; Kagan sides with Justices Ginsburg, Breyer, and Sotomayor. Kennedy chooses to phone a friend.
July: Fox News launches an investigation into the “War on Independence” with a 2 hour expose on the Bill O’Reilly program. O’Reilly pieces together numerous clips of President Obama referring to our National Independence Day as “the Fourth of July” and offers these statements as proof that secular progressives hate independence. He is awarded the Fickle Finger of Freedom by the Tea Party for highlighting the “systemic and sustained effort by the central planners to remove the concept of independence from our national consciousness.”
August: A tragic shooting once again grips the nation. The NRA has its largest fundraising month in history by accusing the Left of politicizing the incident. Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s group, Mayors Against Illegal Guns, has its largest fundraising month by accusing the NRA of profiting off the tragedy.
September: Hillary Clinton makes news by changing her hairstyle, seen by astute political observers as a certain signal that she will run for President in 2016. Also this month, Speaker Boehner attempts his own Sister Soulah moment. He boldly rebukes the Tea Party by declaring that he will “take the President at his word” when Obama says that he is not the Anti-Christ sent amongst us to hasten the End of Days.
October: Campaigning in Iowa in hopes of a lucrative book deal in 2016, Senator Rand Paul faces tough questions after casually telling a food stamp recipient in response to a question about economic justice, “May the odds be ever in your favor”.
November: GOP maintains control of House and proclaims that unlike quadrennial presidential elections, “Midterm elections have consequences”.
December: House leadership declares that immigration reform will be the number one priority for the next year. Stamping out “waste, fraud and abuse” in federal programs ranks second.
Come December 2014, when you reread this missive that is surely taped to your refrigerator door, remember, I told you so first.
TheMSRP 