As former part-time diplomat and full-time hipster doofus Cosmo Kramer once said during a heated foreign policy debate with his public servant nemesis, Newman: “The Ukraine is weak!” Now we know with historic certainty that Kramer was right. News of this perceived Ukrainian weakness must have reached shirtless despot Vlad Putin too, so he decided to be decisive.
Last month, Vlad Putin presided over a Cold War Reenactment event that seems all too real now. After hosting a successful Olympics Games (translation – Stalin nesting dolls sold out in record time), the testosterone must have been surging through the Man of Steal and he invaded the Ukraine with one goal – reunite the Crimean peninsula with Mother Russia.
Too bad our President can’t be as decisive in international affairs. Why can’t he just take stuff we want without shame or guilt, like ol’ Vlad? If we had Vlad, we’d all be vacationing in Disney Havana this winter, I can tell you that!
Our President is trying to act tough. Obama is imposing economic sanctions to isolate Russia from the community of capitalists, but the question should be asked – how do you isolate a country that considers Siberia a national treasure? Isolation does not sound like punishment to a Russian. Feels more like badge of honor. Congress isn’t much tougher. Ted Cruz’s best idea so far is that we stop eating Russian dressing on our salads. Switching the Big Mac secret sauce to Freedom dressing won’t slow Putin’s ambitions, but I guess it’s worth a try.
The neocons believe that military force is the first and only course to take as protest against this occupation but the American public is understandably war weary. I am not sure how a nation can be described simultaneously as ‘war weary’ and boast the highest rate of gun ownership per capita in history. At the rate we’re stockpiling weapons for home defense, ‘war weary’ doesn’t seem to be an apt description for us.
If Obama has been appeasing and feckless towards the Russian bear, one wonders how President Mitt Romney might have fared in handling the crisis:
Romney: Vlad, your annexation of Crimea is not a smart business move. We dislike takers in this country and we will use all of the resources at our disposal to reverse your illegal and immoral actions.
Putin: Mitt, Mitt, Mitt…there you go again. Since when are you against hostile takeovers in the name of economic growth? Sure, not everyone agrees with my actions in Crimea, but we both know that there are at least 47% of the people who will vote with the Ukraine no matter what. These Ukrainians are dependent upon government, and believe that they are victims. My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives. You understand, yes?
Romney: Vlad, you do make a lot of sense!
Putin: Let’s just say I downsized Ukraine, right-sized their military, and increased Russia’s market capitalization.
Or WWJBD (what would Joe Biden do)?:
Biden: Your actions, Mr. Putin deserve a proportional response. Therefore, I am announcing today that the United States is annexing Nova Scotia from Canada, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. So there!
Putin: You drive hard bargain, Mr. President.
Maybe it is time for a change. President Christie, take your best shot:
Christie: We will take action immediately to punish your country for this naked act of aggression.
Putin: Are you planning covert action against us?
Christie: Well, let’s just say the morning commute around Moscow is going to be a little longer for the next few weeks.
Controlling a former superpower from half way around the globe can be challenging and I’m not sure there is a perfect answer….except maybe the front porch diplomacy of President Palin:
Palin: Mr. Putin, wave! I can see you!
Putin: I do not see you.
Palin (waving frantically): Can you see me now?
Putin: You are too far away.
Palin: No, HERE!!!!